Kiss My Truthiness!
by SonofStyle
Summary: Stephen Colbert and Kiss vs Cthulhu. Nuff said. CRACKFIC


From beneath the waves, a great beast emerged. It was a monstrous form. A pulpy mesh of Devil and God. It was something out of a nightmare, it's skin shifted from a sickening green and a abysmal brown. Tendrils dropped from it's maw and it's eyes a bright but deathly yellow. The night sky was perverted by this creature. It was horrendous, glorious and if the world had an end, this being would complete it. For the great Cthulhu was awoken, from the sunken seas of Ryleh. No longer dreaming his insanity, no longer stopped by the cold waters of the seas. It's magnificence would drive all people on the Earth with his insanity. The first that would fall would be the five that now met this old one upon the docks. Or thought the unimaginable mind of Cthulhu.

"I have not walked into Mordor, but rather charged through it's gates!" The first man shouted, in one hand, he held the great shield of Captain America. The shield's defenses held true. It held strong with strength of Truthiness brought on by it's owner. Never since Steve Rogers, the original Captain America has the shield been in greater hands. "I have resisted the temptations of the one ring that rules them all!" In his other hand, he held a shining sword. Anduril the Flame of the West, the blade that was broken, the blade that had been reforged. Each item great, both together but in the hands of this man., Sir Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A, their potential would be brought to the fullest. To end the life of an Old One. "Ready Boys?" He shouted behind him. Suddenly flood lights shined on the dock, to reveal a massive stage.

"YOU WANTED THE BEST WELL YOU'VE GOT THE BEST!" The familiar voice of Paul Stanley shouted into the microphone. Pyrotechnics blared all around the four, swirling around them in a dazzling light display. The great Cthulhu raised a hand to shield his eyes for a moment. His eyes while great where still unused to the brightness of the surface. The four began to play. No words, just music, the familiar tune of Rock n Roll All Night began to play.

"That's it boys, let show this Great Old One, why not to mess with Earth and better yet AMERICA!" Shouted Stephen raised his sword. And then a brilliant thing happen. Call it magic, call it some advanced form of science or the power of Rock and Truthiness finally together for the first time, but the sword Anduril shined with a brilliant light of white. The shield of America not to be outdone burned with the brilliance of red and blue. Meanwhile behind the stage of KISS, four grand images began to form. They appeared much like the band members below but at a much greater skill.

"We are four who are one!" They where the size of the great Cthulhu himself. Each the form of the four band members below. For Paul Stanley, there was the Starchild, in his hands he held the blazing sword which harnessed the very powers of the stars, and since the night sky was filled with them, his blade was of infinite levels of power. Next to him stood the blazing Demon, represented of the god of thunder and rock n roll himself Gene Simmons. This blazing beast wielded the great axe of Kings. Fueled by the greed of people and funneled into his axe towards his might. A devil of greed but a force for good.

"RAAWR!" The mighty king of beasts, instead of a man like figure it appeared much like a two headed lion on it's heels. This not only represented the greatness of the current drummer but of the previous drummer whom held the title The Cat, Peter Criss. And finally for the last was for Tommy Thayer, for him a man whose from resembled the very stars in the sky, his face the only physical form of the same face mask the guitarist wore. However beside him another Space Man, much his form more of a man, but with a cape that showed the view of another galaxy, much like the body of his partner. This caped Spaceman represented Ace Frehley. However the two merged, the entire form of the Thayer Space Man, now wore the cape of Frehley Space Man. Showing even the cosmic spirits agreed to fight this abomination.

"Welcome to the show." Whether it was Starchild or Paul it was hard to tell at this moment. For Cthulhu had enough with the flashiness of these insects. Raising his great hand, he brought it down upon the humans to end them. Only for the bright sword of Starchild to block it. Then the blazing axe of Demon, slashed across the Old God's chest. The god let out a screech that was so inhumane, that normal minds would go mad with just hearing it. But these where no normal men.

"Hey that's pretty good, but let me show you guys something!" Then Stephen threw his shield, the force of the shield, propelled not by the strength of a mortal's arm but by the strength of AMERICA! The shield slammed into Cthulhu, causing him to fall back into the cold ocean's water. Rebounding back from him, the shield was caught into the hands of Colbert. "Groovy." He said licking his lips. "Hey Kiss, play Shout it out Loud."

"Sure thing Colbert!" Simmons said flicking out his tongue as they began the new song. Meanwhile the physical manifestations of Rock, continued their assault on the Old God. Space Man raised his cape and swept it over Cthulhu. For a moment the old one was within the cosmos once more. His he felt at home, at peace. However he felt it. The screams of every sentient creature pushed onto him. The power of Life, the very existence of other creatures was burning him. And while the Old God has felt pain, from his own family or being as strong as him, he never felt pain from the minds of the insects that he once caused madness simply by seeping into their dreams. Then as soon as he was within the cosmos, he was back in the cold sea.

"Welcome back sleepy head!" Colbert shouted, as the music behind him began to swell. He took off running, jumping off of the docks. However instead of falling into the cold waters, he rode the music that the band had been playing. The very essence of song, held Colbert up, and flying towards Cthulhu. The four Rock Gods, held Cthulhu up from the waters so Colbert could land on him. He slammed Anduril with a squish into the chest of the nightmare beast. Dragging the sword from chest, to neck. His blade still shining that blinding white Light. The tendrils of Cthulhu swung at Colbert but was blocked by the red and blue blazing shield. "I may not see color but I can see you are one ugly mother trucker." Always wary of the curse word, incase children were watching. However one tentacle did manage to get a lucky swing, knocking Colbert off of the Old God and towards the water below. "THIS IS GONNA BE WET!" Only to be saved by another creature. A great fox emerged from the waters and Colbert landed on it's back. "Atleast your not a bear." He commented as the Fox rammed into Cthulhu, who managed to break free from the grasp of the Gods of Rock.

"No way, it couldn't be!" Commented Paul with a slight grin on his face when he saw the fox.

"Seems we're not alone in this endeavor." Commented Simmons as they began to play I Love it Loud. This seemed to boost the Fox's own power, flying above the four.

The King of Beasts jumped into the air, landing on the back of the elder god and causing him to crash it into the water. Both jaws plunged down, ripping each of it's wings off with a mighty snap. The god in it's pain shook up. It's body bleeding, it's form angry. It was tired of being hurt, tired of these mere mortals little game. The great Cthulhu, while weaker than most gods physically was still mighty in the mind. He stared down at the tiny mortal with the shiney toys. He would summon forth a creature of his nightmares. A creature that would be a fitting end to this human's life.

"BEAR!" Roared Stephen as the creature came to form. However while normal bears would be of large muscle and fur, this was no ordinary bear. It was a creature of metal and flesh. It's jaws of a shark, it's body rotting like a zombie, it had gatling guns attached to it's side, and it had a Hitler mustache. Truly a creature crafted by the hand of Satan or Democrats. "Burn it with fire!" Stephen shouted back away in fear.

"No Stephen, fire makes me stronger." Worst of all, it spoke, with the voice of John Stewart. "And I am here to tell you all the things that you don't want to hear, like how Healthcare is good for America."

"No!" Screamed Stephen, he would cover his ears but his hands where busy holding the two great weapons of his arsenal.

"Truthiness isn't really a word Stephen.."

"Yes it is, it's in the dictionary now!"

"Rain will always surpass you!"

"RAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIN!" This was the mistake of Zombie Robot Nazi Bear Shark with Gatling guns on his sides and with the voice of John Stewart. Rain was Colbert's worse enemy. Rain was everything Stephen was not. But he was also everything Stephen craved to be. With a mighty swing of his sword, the Zombie Robot Nazi Bear Shark with Gatling guns on his sides and with the voice of John Stewart was slain. "Enough is enough!" Shouted Colbert as he slid the shield upwards of his arms. He needed something to level the playing field with this beast. A mighty juggernaut of his own to help KISS. He pulled out a small golden coin and put into a small device. "DRAGONZORD!" He shouted as a green energy warped around the man and transformed him into, the Green Power Ranger. "Huh, figured this would have more red, white and blue on it." And as if his will had created it, the suit transformed just like that. The helmet became a mix of Red and Blue, his outfit much like that. His chest shield remained golden but instead of the coin's symbol, it was replaced by an Eagle's head. "Truthiness Super Mode!" He declared, raising the flute dagger, he blew into it. Only for his blowing to only hit the inside of helm. "Wait..that's not working.." He stopped trying to blow again. "Hm..oh here go!" He pressed on a small button and the recorded tune began to play.

Arising from the seas, a mighty roar was given. A dragon of machine and might. Jumping up he landed ontop of the Dragonzord and went inside of it. His Truthiness level of power began to affect the Dragonzord as well, it's color scheme now matching his own. "It would be better if this was an Eagle, but it will do."

Meanwhile each of the four rock powered giants had found themselves on the defensive end of the powerful God. It seemed he had awakened his own power and now the Cat laid in the waters, a hole in his chest. The fox had faded as his part was over. Demon and Starchild meanwhile where blocking the giant claws of Cthulhu. "Where'd Spaceman go?" Gene asked getting knocked back, his blazing body causing the ocean to boil.

"He said something about a big surprise, since he saw Fox!" Paul said, with that he was picked up by Cthulhu and thrown into the air and landing deeper into the waters. The elder one was gaining the upper hand and even the might of the Truthified powers of the Dragonzord may not be able to help.

"I bring Life." Spoke the voice of the Space Man, and from his shroud emerged a flaming Anhk. The Egyptian symbol burned high in the sky, shining bright in the night sky. The band members and Colbert could feel their strength returning. But as for Cthulhu, this power represented an oppressive power against him. A disgusting representation of all he wished to drive into madness. And the light it gave off burned him so much.

"Eat drill tail!" Shouted Stephen as the tail swung into Cthulhu, hitting the deep gash he had made earlier. The drill dug deep into the flesh and went through it's form. Lifting the abomination into the air he was swung before the hole became to big for the drill to remain in and cause Cthulhu to fly back into the waters.

"Everyone, give your energy to Stephen!" Paul shouted, as the four deities moved around the dragon zord. From each of them they gave power. The Demon gave the essence of flame and greed. The Starchild gave the power of stardom and air, the Beast gave the strength of the wild and Earth and finally Space Man gave him the power of the cosmos and water. These four elements and those four metaphysical powers allowed Stephen to grow in strength. The DragonZord merged with his ranger armor, his helmet showed his ever powerful face.

"Tonights word. Kalamari. It's whats for dinner." With that he charged, Anduril had gained the essence of the stars and the power of the cosmos. The shield had been charged with fiery greed and blazed with it, alongside the enduring savage wild. Cthulhu, beaten and broken by 'mere mortals' could only lumber up and see his demise. Never before an Old God face destruction. Never had they faced the power of the human spirit. Now an old God faced Truthiness and Rock. And before he was met with the ultimate blow, the old god spoke. Not in his insane gibbering but in the words of a mortal, in the words of an American.

"Awesome." And Anduril shattered the creature, it's form bloating and erupting by it's power. The shield bracing the energies from destroying the very world that housed it. Stephen Colbert had destroyed a god.

"Well boys, looks like we've taken care of that." Not merely an hour later, Stephen and the band members of Kiss stood on the dock. The morning sun was rising on a brighter day. "Hey do you wanna be on my show? I have the perfect way to stage this as a threat down."

"Sure, Stephen." Paul said, patting the show host on the shoulder.

"As long as we get paid." Simmons said walking beside them. And behind them the four rock manifestations began to fade. The Dragonzord dipped back into the cold waters that no longer imprisoned a being of madness. The world was saved by Truthiness and the Power of Rock.

"But wait..aren't their more creatures out there like that?" Asked Tommy with a puzzled look.

"Oh don't worry, we'll get to them when the time comes, after all I've gotta spread Truthiness through out the universe." Stephen said with a satisfied smile. Truly greater words where never spoken.

The End.

For now.

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**Howdy there folks. I'm Lavoscraft and this is my first crackfic for . Don't mind the horrible grammar, I did this on a sugar buzz so it might be terrible. Oh and all rights belong to their owners. (Stephen and Gene, please don't sue me! Honest you won't make a buck off of me, I'm broke as hell!) Just a random plot I threw into this. Hope you like.**


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